


Drift Away

by screamingatstars



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Isolation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-06 03:48:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21220070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screamingatstars/pseuds/screamingatstars
Summary: Virgil knows when he’s not wanted. But he’ll end up going farther than just ducking out of Thomas’s mind.Set as an alternate, unhappy outcome to the Accepting Anxiety arc.





	Drift Away

**Author's Note:**

> apparently when I don’t have enough time to get my second chapter to a point where it’s ready to post, I write a whole separate work instead 
> 
> Title is, in fact, from the Steven Universe song Drift Away, which you should absolutely listen to if you haven’t already
> 
> the content warnings are here for you, so if I missed any please let me know and I’ll add them in. Stay safe everyone, and have fun.

Content warnings: negative self-talk, suicidal thoughts, suicide

~~~~~~~~

_ “I can’t stand that guy.” _

_ “I do not engage with tantrum-throwers.” _

_ “I do not like you.” _

Virgil squeezed his eyes shut, yanking his hood over his head to try and block out the voices. 

_ “There has got to be some way out of it!” _

He was curled up on the couch in his room, pointedly ignoring the fact that Thomas was filming a Sanders Sides video today. He had absolutely zero intentions of ever showing his face up there again. He didn’t need Princey’s insults, or Logan’s cold dismissiveness, or Thomas’s disappointment at his presence.

He didn’t need them. And they didn’t need him, either. Not if all he did was make them miserable.

He had been considering ducking out for months now, but he had waited. Ever since he had first made himself known, he’d been biding his time, just in case something in their dynamic changed. In case they all finally looked past the emo outfit and dark eyeshadow and saw the hurt on his face every time they laughed without him, or waved him away, or groaned when he appeared. 

But it still felt like nothing had changed. He was still the black sheep, the odd one out, the villain of the story. Thomas still didn’t want him there. None of them did. Not even Patton, he had convinced himself. Not even his unwavering happiness could convince Virgil to go back now. And even if thinking of Patton  _ did  _ made his heart ache with fondness for the fatherly Side, even if he  _ did  _ miss the one person who had never been cruel to him, and even if he  _ did  _ want to talk to Thomas still, he wouldn’t put himself through this hellish gauntlet anymore.

_ Besides,  _ he thought to himself bitterly as he hugged his knees,  _ Thomas will be better off without me there.  _ He knew it was true. Now that Virgil was gone, Roman would be able to create new ideas without any anxiety to crush them before they could go anywhere. Logan would appreciate the lack of… what had he called them? Cognitive distortions? And Patton… 

Well, Patton wouldn’t be scared anymore. He wouldn’t be held back by fear.

Thomas would be so much happier, once Virgil was gone. He had gotten that message loud and clear. And that was fine. He’d just stay here, like he had before he started subjecting himself to their scrutiny. Let the others take care of Thomas themselves.

He could practically hear their voices now, rejoicing that they were free from dealing with him and all his problems...

“...his mopey-dopey input? I don’t like him.” 

Virgil’s heart stopped. That wasn’t just his own inner voice projecting what he imagined Roman would be saying; that was  _ actually Roman talking. _ The others were talking about him, at that very moment!

He remained in his curled position on the couch, body still, but focused his mind on listening to the conversation up above. He heard Logan sigh, and then his own name echoed through his room as Logan called to him.  _ Anxiety?  _ The walls seemed to say, the logical side’s voice amplified, alerting him to the summons.

He was supposed to answer. He was supposed to be appearing with them. He was supposed to  _ do something. _

Virgil didn’t move a muscle.

When Roman tried to pull him up, he burrowed further into the cushions, fighting the tug. He remained firmly planted, and didn’t even crack a smile at Roman’s dramatics like he usually would have done. Prince didn’t get to push him around anymore.

It was Patton’s voice that was the hardest to hear.  _ Anxiety?  _ The same question, but from a different Side. Virgil’s heart panged with guilt as he tried his best to ignore the words bouncing around his room. He yanked on his hoodie strings, blocking as much as he could. He didn’t want to hear any more. His decision was already made, and there was no way he was backing out now.

...But their topic didn’t shift. They were still talking about him. And soon, they’d come searching for him. He could hear their patience with Thomas wearing thin. He had to act now.

The others’ conversation silenced, the echoes disappearing as he turned his attention inward.  _ No more procrastinating,  _ he scolded himself.  _ You’ve got one last job to do. _

The summons of the others was the final nail in his coffin- almost literally. If they were already trying to persuade him to come back, to be their personal punching bag again, to face their constant scorn, then there was no way they’d just leave him alone forever. And he definitely couldn’t handle them entering his space and hounding him here, too.

He had to do more than remove himself from the equation. 

He had to erase himself entirely.

It wasn’t his first solution to his problem; far from it. The first time he had found himself thinking about doing that- about erasing himself, not just from Thomas’s mind, but from existence entirely- he was shaken to his very core. The thought of ending it all, just like that, no going back, had made his stomach drop and his breathing stutter. How he had hoped, desperately begged whatever powers that be to let the others change their minds about him, or to give him the option of simply hiding in his room forever! 

He hadn’t wanted to disappear. He hadn’t wanted to drift away. But when he finally ducked out, he had resigned himself to the fact that it would probably have to happen.

And now, his fears were realized. His only remaining option was his last.

_ “I hope and dream to get rid of my anxiety.” _

Virgil scrubbed at his eyes with his sleeve. The tears wouldn’t stop coming, no matter how much he tried to hold them back. He sniffed, choking back a sob. He was really going to do it. This was it. He had had a good run, but now it was over. He was about to kill himself.

_ One last job. _

_ One. Last. Job. _

“One last job,” he choked out aloud through his tears. “Do it for Thomas.”

And that thought was what gave him the courage he needed. Virgil steeled his nerves, stilled his shaking hands. No matter how scared he was, nothing would stop him from freeing Thomas from himself.

Virgil took one last look around his room, taking in the cobwebs and the shadows. The room where he had resided for years, alone and unbothered. That he hadn’t left for so long. Where he would now, in a way, never leave. 

He took a deep, steadying breath. Closed his eyes. Concentrated. Pictured Thomas, his Thomas, smiling and laughing and entirely carefree. Anxiety-free.

_ Picture yourself fading away… _

He didn’t know how long it took. It could’ve been a single moment, or an eternity. But when he felt his body began to go numb, and his consciousness began drifting away, Anxiety wasn’t scared at all.

And when the four other men who shared Virgil’s face appeared, rising up from the floor, they were just in time to glimpse his expression before he was gone.

For the first time, in his final moments of existence, Virgil Sanders was at peace.


End file.
